Today, I had my third exam for this semester and really no one, not even myself can describe the belief I have at this very moment. The feeling of a possibility of failing at the exam on top of something I very much regret I did. The remorse is so strong that I want to rip my heart out just to get rid of this sensation. I already tried hitting my head on the pillow and punching on my chest, but of no use. This is ridiculous, since what I have done, is trivial and absolutely normal to other people, then why do I need to bear this repentance? Screw it! So now comes the point; what can possibly have happened? - I bought train tickets and entrance tickets to a convention, to which I do not want to attend. I feel like I have waste a lot of money and this grudge has followed me since yesterday when I pushed the pay-the-ticket button. I tried to shut this remorse out during my exam today, and I can't tell if was successful on that. Actually, I have been thinking a long time on whether to go or not. The id who wants me to experience the world versus the superego who wants me to save money. I have been waiting for the Christmas-discount, SJ, the railway of the state of traveling destination and once it occurred, I began to doubt my want of going. During pressures of time, I bought the tickets to the city in which the convention was going to be held, without even have buying the entrance tickets, since the discount was only valid for a day and also because my brother bought tickets back home on Sunday which departed later because of me. I felt guilty for that. So yesterday, I bought the entrance tickets just to fulfill the whole process, even if I did not feel like going and here is where I am, with this compunction.
I guess I need to take responsibility to my own doings and bear this sensation, since what is done can't be made undone. I just hope the regret, remorse, repentance and all those words to describe this grudge can disappear so I can have a good night sleep, which I was not able to have yesterday... again.
