Regrets...

Today, I had my third exam for this semester and really no one, not even myself can describe the belief I have at this very moment. The feeling of a possibility of failing at the exam on top of something I very much regret I did. The remorse is so strong that I want to rip my heart out just to get rid of this sensation. I already tried hitting my head on the pillow and punching on my chest, but of no use. This is ridiculous, since what I have done, is trivial and absolutely normal to other people, then why do I need to bear this repentance? Screw it! So now comes the point; what can possibly have happened? - I bought train tickets and entrance tickets to a convention, to which I do not want to attend. I feel like I have waste a lot of money and this grudge has followed me since yesterday when I pushed the pay-the-ticket button. I tried to shut this remorse out during my exam today, and I can't tell if was successful on that. Actually, I have been thinking a long time on whether to go or not. The id who wants me to experience the world versus the superego who wants me to save money. I have been waiting for the Christmas-discount, SJ, the railway of the state of traveling destination and once it occurred, I began to doubt my want of going. During pressures of time, I bought the tickets to the city in which the convention was going to be held, without even have buying the entrance tickets, since the discount was only valid for a day and also because my brother bought tickets back home on Sunday which departed later because of me. I felt guilty for that. So yesterday, I bought the entrance tickets just to fulfill the whole process, even if I did not feel like going and here is where I am, with this compunction.

I guess I need to take responsibility to my own doings and bear this sensation, since what is done can't be made undone. I just hope the regret, remorse, repentance and all those words to describe this grudge can disappear so I can have a good night sleep, which I was not able to have yesterday... again.

Echoes of A Heart

"Do... ki..., do... ki..."

So it begins; the very first entry to this, until now empty blog is about to be created. Actually, this should already have been done for four months and two weeks ago, namely the 9th of July 2010, which is also to be known as my 20th birthday. However, due to several circumstances, it never happened. There are a couple of reasons for that; Firstly, the name - the identity, I wanted to give this blog was already taken by someone else and I was not able to come up with another appellation for the time being, which caused delays for its birth. Secondly, the process from mind-struggles and thoughts to actually sit here and press on every letter to preserve those is passably too long. Although these are essential features to the creation of this piece of writing, the main reason still remains; the fear of letting people be aware of what is not spoken. Certainly, if this blog just remains unknown, then the contents will come to no one's awareness. Should not that be a solution to this issue then? The truth is, one person already knows about its existence and a part of me also want a selection of people to know what is unsaid. That point can not be denied, partly because repentance always occurs in my life, which I desire to repair somehow, that is by explaining. Since express thoughts verbally is a huge weakness, written words are totally preferred. Despite of that, what is most preferred is to keep it all a secret.

To summarize it all, I have always been some kind of a thinker and I do not like nor want to tell people what is in my mind, but recently too many questions have occurred and it feels like I am almost drowning in them. The purpose of this blog is therefore, to act as a helping hand in my journey through life to find myself, that is by giving a structure to my cognition. Its content will include nothing more, nothing less, but some Echoes of A Heart.

"Doki, doki"